I have always lived in fear. Fear of what people think about me, fear of challenging myself and a fear of failing in general. Unfortunately this fear is often followed by a quick decision that I soon regret. Next enters the paralyzing panic that cripples my life. Stunned, confused and ashamed I muddle through my bad decision until I make another questionable decision and begin the process all over again.
By my senior year in college, I was still very unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. Add to this dilemma that my mother died the year before, leaving me parent less, as an only child I felt all alone in the world. While in the student lounge I noticed a flier for a seminar about entertainment law. I had an epiphany: I would be a lawyer. I decided I would be an entertainment lawyer. It sounded like a blast hanging out with celebrities and making tons of money. I went out and spent twenty bucks on a prep book and I was well on my way. In this prep book were some facts and law school applications and an article on how challenging the work is, and how difficult it was to get into a good school. My solution of course was to panic and then enters the paralyzing fear, basically I did nothing. I managed to keep my part time job at a museum, but my life was a mess and I had no idea what to do about it. Next, I muddled through a succession of good jobs that I left because I was restless and silly. Finally, I landed a decent job at a large university. I should have been happy, but inside I was miserable. What should I be doing with my life? So, I made a rash decision, I moved to another state, just a blind jump and the landing was harsh. I despised my new life and I missed my city, the only place in the world where I felt I belong. I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer, but I let fear of failure and low self esteem put this dream on hold for no good reason at all.
Now here I am 13 years later hoping to live out my dream. I am looking forward to being fearless. OK maybe just less afraid and better prepared.